In Circles
by altairattorney
Summary: I see you hurting, I do what I can/ but I won't save you.


**In Circles**

You see her as soon as you awaken, and it looks just like the first time.

Processing the thought helps you realize it – hours of cameras don't hold a candle to having her in the same room, alive and breathing. Back then, you did not live long enough to think about it.

She is not different. Standing across the room, as she once was. Terrified – it comforts you, ever so slightly. She still isn't ready to surrender.

How will you get rid of a murderer that just won't die?

You start with tossing her down a drain that swallow fire. You hope it will be that easy.

* * *

And yet, it just can't be.

It feels more and more unreal, with every frame the cameras send back to you. She doesn't look special at all.

She is fragile and small. All humans are alike – her bones and veins cannot make an exception for her pride.

Not even your death can change her anatomy. She may have gotten lucky, you try to tell yourself. Or maybe –

There is no ignoring the security system. Her image haunts you, whether you want it or not.

Maybe it is the look in her eyes. It is as hard as stone.

You feel your resolve cracking, just by spying on it.

* * *

What should you say, then, when she kills you once more?

You are many things – desperate, frustrated. Powerless. Definitely afraid.

You would like to be, but you are not surprised.

* * *

Expecting it does not erase your question.

How could she do it again? You have no idea. With her, whatever the causes, it feels like being stuck in a loop.

Is it always going to be this way?

You have a hard time doubting it, even when she picks you up from certain death. You will see.

* * *

It is wrong to hope, you remind yourself.

She is a passerby, a nasty intruder in your own safe haven. It is your lifetime endeavor that she – not without the moron – is ripping apart.

She is not the remedy to whatever stirs within you. How could she save your life, right after taking it? How could she save it in so many ways – ways you don't even know?

You have your methods to cope with it, in the end. They are familiar and abundantly tested. You will keep on blaming her.

It is easy to call her the cause of all your problems. It will always be easy.

Even so, if this is reality, she is the most stable thing to ever happen to you.

* * *

There are two of you. The doubt comes to your mind just too easily.

Is she really the one struggling for her life?

* * *

It's not like she cares.

This is a bargain – she is adapting, for her own survival. She is no different than any other animal.

She is an insect. Annoying, selfish, so hard to trace and kill.

An insect cannot make such a huge difference.

* * *

Turns out, bugs are damn useful when they are on your side.

* * *

It's a matter of minutes, and you are left alone again. You, her, a whirlwind of things that will never be said.

As for murder and pain, she is sated enough. She is more than ready to go – to leave you like that.

To do what?

Well, what can she do, anyway?

You need to part ways. The relief should be pure rain, but it isn't – it touches your thoughts like needles, stinging the skin you do not have.

There is bitterness in the taste of that rain.

It is not like you, to feel abandoned. Even less, abandoned by her. It is also true, however, that you had never felt connections either.

What flows between you – what else can it be? Isn't it similar to your own thought processes?

This is still part of the game, and part of survival. Yet, when you send her away, your voice slices the air like the whistle of a blade.

For the first time, your own words hurt you more than her silence.

* * *

It is part of the game. Part of life, mortal or not.

And, while you can't tell for her, it is part of yours for sure.

You have to be alone.

* * *

[ _A little experiment on imagery and feelings, similar to another hundred or something I wrote before. Oh well._  
 _A little gift to the lovely_ emberwhite _– thank you for recommending me the wonderful_ Transistor, _whose OST includes the song that named and shaped this story. While it didn't generate the idea, it sure influenced a lot of the final version, and I recommend you listen to it/read the lyrics to fully appreciate the concepts and the wording behind most parts. Enjoy!_ ]


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